SORROW OR DEATH?

Hullo guys,
A strange thing happened to me today. I'll probably write this article for a while (For about 1 week, I guess. And even when I finish it, I'll wait some more time just to make sure it'll never be on the top of my page.) 'cause I won't write it all at once. I'll write gradually, adding a new paragraph each day. And when I'll post the article, the date written above it will be the date I started writing (that is today - 19th May, 2014). Maybe no one will notice this little thought of mine. And maybe that would be for the best.

don't click "read more".

20th May, 2014 | Tuesday 

I was on a ride with my friends, with our horses. I had an accident, I won't burden you with the details. It was quite serious. And maybe it was the seriousness of the situation which made me think. A lot.
I was lying on the ground, staring at the trees above, stabbing pain shooting up my spine, and I was beggining to realize I won't be able to move. I forced myself to stop the tears filling my eyes. And in that very moment of panic, two things crossed my mind:

1. If my spine is damaged and I won't be able to move, I'll kill myself as soon as I can.
   
2. I am truly happy I didn't die.

The strentgh of these thoughts (can't tell which one was stronger) almost frightened me, the more they were completely serious. I often think about killing myself. And yet, I was happy I wasn't dead. Suddenly I didn't know what do I really want or even who the hell I am. I was really confused.

22nd May, 2014 | Thursday

During the last two days, that "I am happy I'm alive" thought seemed totally absurd. I was no longer happy to be alive. I was thinking that if I died on Monday, everything would be solved. It would be all over. From time to time I even found myself regretting my survival.

23rd May, 2014 | Friday

Maybe it was the fact I was facing the death (or at least my mind was telling me I was) that made me see it from an objective point of view. If I really did have to die I'd probably realize I wanna live. My mood is simply like a swing. Up and down. Up and down. Down. Down.

24th May, 2014 | Saturday

So this is my life. And I want you to know
that I'm both happy and sad
and I'm still trying to figure out
how that could be.

26th May, 2014 | Sunday

I don't know what to write anymore. I guess I just wanted to tell you what strange ideas and thoughts are surrounding me these days. Am I starting to get bad again?

8th June, 2014 | Sunday

I don't wanna make it sound like I want you to feel sorry for me. 'Cause I don't need you to. I'd rather be dead then regrettable. Actually, I didn't write this on any purpose at all. I have every reason to be happy. And yet here I am, drowning in my own self pity. What a waste of space time.

Oh, y'all should read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. Absolutely.

Anyway. All the time I wanted to ask, what would you choose: basically endless sorrow, or a cowardly death?
-Anna