Hullo guys,
I had a fight
with my dad. The last thing I said (well, more like „yelled“. Yes. The last thing I yelled. Very loudly.) was „I DON’T CARE! I DON’T!“.
Then I slammed the door, ignoring the words my dad was yelling at me, oblivious to my mum's anxious "what's going on?" questions. I went off.
I didn’t know
where I was going. I turned off and let my feet go wherever they want. The only
thing that mattered was that I was going somewhere
away.
From my
house, from all the struggles and fights and from my restless mind.
All I knew
was I need to get away from the things, voices and sounds of this town. I need
to find some place quiet. I need to sort some things out.
I began
running.
And I ran and
ran 'till I saw a green island of wild plants and trees in the middle of a
field. I walked in. The tall grass, sharp bushes and wide crowns of trees were
providing me a valued shelter. At last I found a nice corner to rest my
bones and mind.
I sat down
and began thinking.
. . .
„And that helps you?“
„What?“
„Playing the guitar“
„Usually.“
Yes. Usually.
Now, for
instance, it wouldn’t. Sometimes it doesn’t help. Sometimes I just need to be
alone.
. . .
I wanted to
let all my current feelings out. And in that moment, nothing seemed more clear
and obvious than the idea of putting them all in a long, ear-splitting shriek.
The latest joy, happiness, passion… but mostly the anger and fear. I had to let them out. They were gathering
inside me for too long. I was actually afraid my heart would explode if I’d let
them manipulate with me just a little longer. So I took a deep breath, closed
my eyes, opened my mouth-
and nothing
came out. I couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t scream.
After this
discovery all the worries and „what-if“ thoughts striked me even harder. Every
single concern I had for the past few days. They were all bursting out at once,
crying out for attention, followed by great measure of grief and agony my tiny
confused heart wasn’t prepared for.
. . .
Intellect versus emotion. Intellect wins. Emotion starts crying.
__________________________
I decided to cut it here and make two parts. The final article was too long. Sorry.
you cannot run away from your restless mind. you can never run away from yourself. and that's the worst.
ReplyDeleteeverything you hate, everything that makes you feel sick and broken, you can run away from the people, from the school, from the problems. But what if your greatest problem is your own self? you cannot run from yourself, so you have to quietly suffer and slowly die. that's the way.
another way and point of view is to handle it and try to become friend with the most important person ever. you.
that certainly is very wise.
Deletethe truth is i don't really know who/what exactly am i running away from. i try not to think about it.
so it helps me. to escape from everything and nothing at the same time.
the illusion of freedom is always worth it. C:
-Anna